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Mocking the Packers Draft: 2014 Edition

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Mocking the Packers Draft: 2014 Edition

I haven’t done a Packers mock draft since 2011. The reasons vary. Most notably I got sick of always having the most accurate analysis. Besting the best in Kiper and company just gets old after a while.

Through the process of designing the Cheesehead TV Draft Preview, reading every single one of the hundreds and hundreds of player profiles and my general vast knowledge of the game itself, I can’t think of anyone who can might be able to call the draft any better.

In the spirit of decent and deadly accurate draft analysis, I once again mock you all.

Round 1

To no one's surprise, Ted Thompson plays it safe here and again picks up another NCAA Division I player. Mark this down, he’s going to be athletic, can make some plays, and showed quite a bit on film in college. He’ll also have played plenty of offense or defense.

Although there are some minor injury concerns, fans will overlook this and label him as an instant ticket to the Super Bowl. With this kind of talent in the minor leagues, we can be pretty sure on draft day that this guy can do everything we need to succeed in getting us a championship in the bigs.

He’s the final piece, and his social media post about being #blessed to be in the greatest city ever—followed by a well placed “Go Pack Go!”—will be trending in Green Bay and Milwaukee within minutes, solidifying his status to god/higher power territory.

Round 2

With a lot of great talent still on his board, Ted takes a guy who is fast at his position late in the second. He can out-sprint 99 percent of humans on the planet, clocking in at anywhere from 4.3-5.6 seconds in the 40-yard-dash. He’ll be able to come in and play NFL football just like some other players currently on the Packers roster.  He’s played the game quite a bit over the years and showed beyond a doubt he is a top prospect at his position.

I think Packer fans will be pretty happy with the pick. Since Ted picked up Eddie Lacy last year in the second, and he was good, there is little reason to believe the same thing won’t happen here.  If you take a scientific angle to the draft like I do, you can’t be anything but happy with this selection.

Round 3

While Packer fans hold their breath throughout the round, Thompson finds his coveted "best fat guy" still available.  I mean this guy is really big, and to the delight of the staff and fans a like, this tank is still available in the third round. For a big guy, this kid can really move. He has sufficient footwork, good speed off the ball, and an awesome fat guy nickname to boot.

I’m sure fans will question this pick, but the truth is the Packers like to have big fat guys on the roster. Josh Sitton, B.J. Raji, Ryan Pickett, and even Johnny Jolly are just a few of many other fat players that the Packers like to have on the team, so fans shouldn’t really consider this a stretch by any means.

Round 3 (compensatory)

Ted will pick the guy that he gets in exchange for Greg Jennings' departure. It’s really hard to see Thompson go any other way but one with this pick. Packer fans are still bitter, so I think Ted needs to use this slot to compensate for the loss of a great player. He’ll most certainly do that here.

Greg Jennings may have taken on the role of the most hated ex-Packer in history, leaving a hole upon his exit to a rival. However, fans can rest easy knowing that Thompson had their best interests in mind by using this pick to try and get some value for the loss.

Round 4

White guy.

Round 5

In a familiar move, the Packers take little time pulling the trigger on a the guy no one has heard of. Rest assured fans, he was listed in a couple draft guides and a preview show here and there, but otherwise even I have no clue this guy is.

Regardless, he possesses a lot of raw talent, and Thompson gets great value in the fifth round. By the time fans scramble around trying to figure out who this guy is, he’ll most likely be a victim on cutdown day, having shown nothing in camp. Don’t be surprised to see this guy sign somewhere else like Seattle or Indianapolis and have a great career.

Round 5 (compensatory)

To the thrill of Packer Nation, Thompson goes deep into his board and picks up the short fast guy who has a lot of awesome juke moves. No one has had moves like this since the days of Antonio Chatman. He may be small, but he can tear apart slower big guys with the best of them.

The Packers really liked this guy in the interview process. Having come from a tough background, the Packers were really impressed with his work ethic and commitment. An instant fan favorite and crowned as Packer people, this guy will ride the wave until he gets cut too, even after multiple impressive late fourth quarter pre-season plays.

Round 6

Showing his prowess in the later rounds, Thompson takes an opportunity to grab the "Thank God" guy. This guy is just happy that God gave him the chance to be a part of the greatest franchise in history.  This guy is dedicated to not only his sport but also his religion. Posting daily scripture, and with the Lord’s gracious hand, he will follow the path he has been given.

Don’t let his tender voice and motivational hashtags give you the wrong opinion, though. This guy has played some serious college football and has the “real” coaching staff upstairs on his side and isn’t afraid to let you know it. Always. Like I mean all the time.

Round 7

While most fans have lost interest, Thompson plots until the end to get the pick he wanted. Most people won’t even know who it is until later in the day, but naturally, he will be the next Donald Driver. If you don’t think so, again, see Donald Driver.

This guy doesn’t have a realistic shot at all, and he didn’t even sleep in a van. But, lest fans let you forget, Driver did it; so the chances are this guy will too. If you don’t believe that, you’re not a true fan. 


That’s my 2014 mock draft. I’m sure there are many more players I haven’t covered. That said, expect the Packers to sign a bunch of undrafted free agents that everyone says either should have been drafted, are a great value, or a solid project for the build-from-within Ted Thompson mantra.

Everything else is just conjecture.

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Fan friendly comments only: off Comments (11) This filter will hide comments which have ratio of 5 to 1 down-vote to up-vote.

MrPaulZeen's picture

Dammit! Why didn't you put a spoiler warning on this article?! Draft day is ruined!

TommyG's picture

Round one, second paragraph. As soon as I read it I thought that a caveat should've been put in there: "except for COW".

4thand1's picture

Peppers will do that without even drafting someone. Funny with your knowledge of football, you of all people would know its hard to get an impact player drafting late in every round. You still suck.

Imma Fubared's picture

You mean Datone and Perry aren't taking us to the promised land this year?
Datone had 8 tackles and one sack by game 12 last year. Ted better come up with play makers in rounds one and two or this team is missing the playoffs.

Imma Fubared's picture

Ted is looking for some more 5'8 180 pound dbacks in the 5,6,7th rounds who were div IA or II and smallish. Gee wonder if they would be hurt often and we blame the trainers again?

zoellner25's picture

I think you crushed your Round 4 prediction.

Otto's picture

Mastering a keyboard like few in his generation and drawing from a deep pool of sarcasm, Alex gives us the kind of insight only someone intimately familiar with social media could deliver.

BubbaOne's picture

You forgot TT will say about every pick "He's a good locker room guy."

tm_inter's picture

This article need not be written. It's a lot of junk.

Alex Tallitsch's picture

Really? Sorry. You should write something and submit it. Send it to [email protected].

I'll wait.

Mr Smith's picture

No way man, it was awesome! Well done. I laughed my ass off.

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