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Christmas Movies

Christmas Movies

This has NOTHING to do with our Packers, but it’s Christmas time so I thought I’d throw this up.

After Thanksgiving I went into my DVD cases and brought out some of my favorite Christmas movies. There’s a lot of Christmas movies out there, but here are MY top ten Christmas movies:

Scrooged, Black Christmas, Gremlins, Friday After Next, Batman Returns, Santa Conquers the Martians, Ghostbusters II, Muppet Christmas Carol, Die Hard, and The Nightmare Before Christmas.

10. Silent Night, Deadly Night
The most controversial movie of 1984 got parents up in arms over the fact that the killer in this movie dressed as Santa Claus. Now, I was born in 1984, so I obviously wasn’t watching too many movies, but if this movie came out when I was about five or six and I came across it, I would probably crap my pants.

I won’t go into all of the plot details but basically what I got from the film was that if you go to a Catholic orphanage, you will become a serial killer.

This clip is great. Like old folk’s homes? Like Santa Claus? You won’t after this one.

9. Friday After Next
Yeah, This isn’t a real Christmas movie, but I find it the funniest movie in the “Friday” series. Yeah, yeah, it’s not cool to say you like anything other than the original Friday, but this is a very underrated movie. Craig and Day-Day need rent money after a crackhead Santa robs their house, which includes a nice fight with a Christmas tree.

Omar Epps as Day-Day is hilarious, but the show stealer is Katt Williams, who plays an undersized pimp named Money Mike.

In the end, Christmas is enjoyed, old characters return to say Merry Christmas, and even the crackhead Santa gets what he deserves.  Crime doesn’t pay, even if you ARE dressed up as Saint Nick.

This scene is great. Day-Day takes his job as a security guard much too seriously, much like I do as a bouncer(I’m like Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse X 100!!!)

8. Santa Conquers the Martians
Isn’t that the best title in the history of movie titles? Yes, it is. I dare you to name a better one. As far as the movie goes, there isn’t much to say other than this is arguably the worst Christmas movie ever made.

What makes this movie great, besides drugs, is that Joel and the Bots from Mystery Science Theatre 3000 took it to task.

From the overhyper child-like martian to the polar bear outfit where you can see the zipper, this movie is awesome(in a bad way).   However I only suggest watching the MST3K version, because during one of the breaks you can hear the best Christmas song ever - "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas."  I even have this on mp3.

7. Elf
Now here me out, YES this is a Will Ferrell movie, but this movie is pretty good. It's light hearted and innocent with its share of innuendo.  It's a surprisingly good story with some funny acting from Ferrell and a cast that includes James Caan, Faizon Love, Edward Asner, and Bob Newhart.

But this movie takes the #7 spot for one reason: Zooey Deschanel. How hot is this chick? Answer: VERY. And not only is she hot in this movie, but she sings, and as you might have noticed, I enjoy singing. Even though she doesn't sing nearly as well as I do, she still kills it. Plus she's hot. Did I mention that?

6. Gremlins
Billy gets the coolest Christmas present in the world! A mogwai! He’s furry, he sings, dances and hums a little tune that will get stuck in your head for weeks at a time! He’s the perfect gift if you follow the directions. What could possibly go wrong?

Not following the directions!

If you feed him after midnight, that’s bad. If he gets wet, also bad. Sunlight, bad. Basically there’s no pet in the world that’s easier to take care of than a mogwai. You don’t have to wash or feed it, and especially no taking it out for a walk. It’s the lazy man’s pet.

I had to add this because I’m a huge Joe Dante fan(check out “The ‘Burbs”) and besides, who doesn’t love them some Gremlins!?

I’m not going to say much else about Gremlins. We all know it. It IS a Christmas movie because a dog gets hanged by Christmas lights so don’t you sit there and tell me it’s not a damn Christmas movie, okay!?

Do you hear what I hear?

5. Muppet Christmas Carol
One of my most favorite movies ever. I love the Muppets. Does this make me less of a man? Probably, but I don’t care. The Muppets take on “A Christmas Carol” is sweet, cute, and often hilarious. Rizzo the rat is the coolest.

I don’t care what people say, the Muppets are awesome. Rizzo and Statler & Waldorf(the two old guys who make fun of everything) are in full form in this light hearted version of this classic story.

I know all the songs to this and you can blame this for being one of the reasons I think I can sing. Here are the two old guys laughing about pretty much killing children. I love the Muppets.

4. Ghostbusters II
It happens during Christmas. That counts.

It has a nice little Christmas-y story as far as the whole “be nice to people, you dumb New York pricks or we’re all going to die! Sing songs now!” part. I like that.

This movie makes me all warm and tingly inside, especially when Sigourney Weaver takes her shirt off. Peter MacNicol’s foreign character is also made warm and tingly. I laugh at that guy every time he tries to say hello to the baby from the apartment hallway. “whooooooooooo” “He’s sleeping” Oh! But I whoooo’d!” Classic.

3. Batman Returns
Poor Gotham City citizens. No matter how hard they try, they just can’t live normal lives. Even Christmas is a pain in the ass. Penguins and Bat people all over the place, elections in December for some reason. That has to upset their routine. The only saving grace is there’s a hot chick dressing up as a cat running around town. That’s enough to make me leave my house and try to get mugged, which in Gotham City, is damn easy.

But this movie is #3 on the list because it’s Batman. And he’s doing his thing, taking down the triangle gang and making out with Selina Kyle. That’s how he rolls. He even gets his inner DJ on when he’s ruining the penguins political career. Who knew Bruce could scratch?

This Christmas is ruined by Max Shreck(Christopher Walken) who just wants money. Is that so bad? How many of you ask for MONEY when people ask you what you want for Christmas? A lot, I bet. Well guess what, you’re as bad as ol’ Max Shreck then. So he pushed his secretary out of a window. She was messing around on HIS computer. Who wouldn’t do that. I would. If someone was looking through my porno stash and seen the donkeys and trannies in diapers, I would lose my friggin mind.

2. Die Hard
“I’ll go to L.A. to see my kids. I’ll try and see where things are with my estranged wife.” That’s probably what John McClane said before he got on the airplane to visit his family(I’m sure he’d drop some F bombs in there).

There’s nothing like Christmas in L.A, especially when the terrorists take over the building you’re having your Christmas party in. Just another day in la-la land. But John McClane ain’t having that bullshit. You mess up his wife’s Christmas party, you die. You make him step on glass, you die.

My favorite is at the end, the place lights up like a Christmas tree. That’s what the holidays are all about. If for some reason you haven’t seen Die Hard, here you go(you better believe this isn't safe for work):

1. Scrooged
To wrap up this odd list is the Bill Murray classic, Scrooged! This movie is awesome. This is THE first movie I think of when I hear “Christmas Movies.” Murray is awesome as Frank Cross, a bitter TV executive who is all about the money. Then the spirits of Christmas come and teach him a lesson. Although this story has been told in many ways(Muppet Christmas Carol), this one takes the cake.

Frank is the ultimate dickhead. When problems arise making cute little mice look like reindeer for a TV special, he suggests stapling the antlers to their head – and he’s serious! And the three spirits aren’t just guys with chains and sheets over their bodies. These are some strange characters!

Maybe this scene of ol Frank Cross showing the kind of promo HE would put up best describes the mood of this flick.

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