Memo: Ted Thompson issues orders for a successful season

CheeseheadTV has obtained a memo issued by Packers general manager Ted Thompson to the entire organization during the bye week. Because we love you, our dear readers, we're not going to sell this valuable piece of information to one of the fancy pants mainstream media outlets that covers the Packers. No, we're going to publish it right here. Here we go:

Dear Packers players, coaches, and everyone else:

It's been kind of a whacky season so far. What was up with scoring all those points in the first half against Detroit, then napping through the second half? And my ears still hurt from having to listen to that gosh darn horn in that dumpy new dome when we lost to Minnesota. Please, don't let that horn bellow ever again. Ever.

I thought we played decent at times in our final preseason games against Jacksonville. Wait.....that wasn't a preseason game? The NFL actually lets teams as sorry as Jacksonville play actual regular season games? Huh. Learn something new every day.

Anyway, it's time to forget about those first three games and focus on the remaining 13 and our march through the playoffs. Here's what I want to see happen the rest of this season. If ya'll follow these five simple steps, I believe we'll celebrate a Super Bowl victory before I head out on my annual February scouting trip to Idaho, Wyoming and the North Pole to find the next great third-string fullback.

  • If a receiver is open, throw it to him. I have fond memories of that magical 2011 regular season when we could just launch balls 50 yards downfield and score a touchdown whenever we felt like it. That was a helluva lotta fun. But 2011 was five years ago. Teams have adjusted to what we like to do on offense, including our tendency to always look for the deep home run. Airing it out can remain a part of our offense -- a big part of our offense -- but I don't want to see us ignore open receivers seven yards downfield in favor or a lower-percentage pass 50 yards downfield. I especially don't want to see this continuing to happen on third down. Let's move the chains, and see if we can get a better opportunity for the long ball later in the drive.
  • Stop letting receivers rack up 200-yard games. Nobody knew who Stefon Diggs and Marvin Jones were until we allowed them to each have career games. The next defensive back to allow a 200-yard game (I'm looking at you, Damarious Randall) will be punished. The punishment: You'll have to help Dom Capers make sure every single hair on his trademark combover is perfectly in place before he heads up to the booth to call the game.
  • Nick Perry! Whatever you've done to make Nick Perry into a great player, keep doing it.
  • Double-helmet Shields. Remember the old 49ers center Steve Wallace? To better protect his head, he wore two helmets. It's time Sam Shields did the same. Not only will it help protect Shields from suffering yet another concussion, it'll also spur a new fashion trend in the NFL. Forget fancy cleats with thematic designs. The double helmet is where it's at.

  • Quit punting. Look, I think I screwed up by letting Tim Masthay go. He wasn't the greatest punter of all time but he was probably better that the guy I brought in to replace him (I already forgot his name...Schack? Schummer? Shank?). The only solution to this minor mishap is to make sure the new punter remains on the bench. So, score on every obsession, ok? 

Best of luck the rest of the season. 

Sincerely,

Ted Thompson
aka The Silver Fox

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Comments (19)

Fan-Friendly This filter will hide comments which have ratio of 5 to 1 down-vote to up-vote.
Bohj's picture

October 04, 2016 at 02:16 pm

Nice Adam! How you feelin? Maybe Shields will be the one to invent the best helmet innovation ever and call it..."The Sam Shield"

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Allan Murphy's picture

October 04, 2016 at 02:25 pm

I agree 1000% we need to take what they give us the rest will open up and all so when we have big lead to play the rookies more to see what we really have how's that sound ???

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The TKstinator's picture

October 04, 2016 at 05:06 pm

Not much like english.

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DrealynWilliams's picture

October 04, 2016 at 08:38 pm

Lol, damn it, man.

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EdsLaces's picture

October 04, 2016 at 02:48 pm

Nice article Adam...will we do those things? Will Aaron and MM stop being so stubborn and try something new? A west coast offense that doesn't insist on the long ball every 3rd and 5? Gee golly gosh I hope we right this ship before we are staring up at SAM BRADFORD'S Vikings from 2-3 or 2-4 or worse....

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WinUSA's picture

October 04, 2016 at 02:55 pm

I know this is off the subject...But will Pennel be back next Sunday...did the bye count as one of the 4 games suspended?

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dobber's picture

October 04, 2016 at 03:24 pm

The magic word you used was "games" so, no, another week...

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WinUSA's picture

October 05, 2016 at 02:37 pm

How can you fricken dislike a question? Fricken Trolls.

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Tundraboy's picture

October 04, 2016 at 04:19 pm

"Let's move the chains, and see if we can get a better opportunity for the long ball later in the drive"

If there was only one wish, that would be it.

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The TKstinator's picture

October 04, 2016 at 05:07 pm

"Score on every obsession": my hat is off to you, AC!

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Duke Divine's picture

October 04, 2016 at 07:53 pm

Wayne; "Hey Tiny, who's playing tonight?"

Tiny: "The Jolly Green Giants and The Schumbag Shanks."

Wayne: "The Schumbag Shanks? Are they any good?"

Tiny: "Theeeeey suck!"

Wayne: "Then it's not just a clever name."

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PaulRosik's picture

October 04, 2016 at 11:58 pm

So Cheeseheadtv was hacked and someone put in this?

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Big Moe's picture

October 05, 2016 at 12:10 am

Sigh, bye weeks.

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cpheph1's picture

October 05, 2016 at 01:06 am

LMAO, love it Adam! Best wishes always!

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Amanofthenorth's picture

October 05, 2016 at 04:07 am

Wrong on the punter. I had no hope for Masthay and have some for Shrum. Big difference.

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Hematite's picture

October 05, 2016 at 04:37 am

Maybe Ted should be General Manager AND Head Coach, then perhaps his orders would be obeyed.
Thanks for the humor,Adam, as we suffer through the bye week.

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dschwalm's picture

October 05, 2016 at 01:53 pm

I wonder if all the other teams' fans criticize their coach as much as we criticize MM?

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Houndog's picture

October 05, 2016 at 10:36 pm

Probably not all fans of all teams, who could really criticize Belichick, or Tomlin for that matter, guys who seem to demand respect. Somehow I just don't see McPuffy in that category, not enough of a hard-a$$!

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Point Packer's picture

October 06, 2016 at 08:11 pm

Who wants to bet that Manning has twice as many yards as Rodgers this weekend? My guess 400 for Manning. 200 for Rodgers.

Our secondary will get smoked. Offensive line will once again struggle against Giants.

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