5 reasons why the Packers will beat the Chargers (and 1 reason why they might not)

WHY IS PHILIP RIVERS ALWAYS YELLING?!?!

WHY IS SAN DIEGO CHARGERS QUARTERBACK PHILIP RIVERS ALWAYS YELLING? WHENEVER I WATCH A CHARGERS GAME, I WANT TO GIVE RIVERS A BEER AND REMIND HIM THAT HE MAKES MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO THROW AN ODDLY-SHAPED PIECE OF LEATHER TO OTHER HIGHLY PAID HUMAN BEINGS. THERE IS NO NEED TO CONSTANTLY BE YELLING.

TO GIVE READERS OF THIS FINE GAME PREVIEW A BETTER SENSE OF WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN THEY WATCH THE CHARGERS PLAY THE GREEN BAY PACKERS TODAY, I AM GOING TO WRITE THIS ENTIRE PIECE IN THE VOICE OF PHILIP RIVERS. BY THE VOICE OF PHILIP RIVERS, I MEAN I AM GOING TO YELL. A LOT. HENCE, THE ALL CAPS.

RIVERS SEEMS LIKE THE DAN MARINO OF OUR GENERATION. A GREAT QB BLESSED WITH EXCELLENT RECEIVING TARGETS WHOSE TERRIBLE DEFENSES, OFFENSIVE LINES OR INJURY LUCK RUIN HIS SUPER BOWL CHANCES EVERY SEASON BEFORE NOVEMBER.

I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS, PHILIP RIVERS, BUT AFTER TODAY, YOUR HOPES FOR A SUPER BOWL WILL ONCE AGAIN BE RUINED. YES, YOU WILL ONLY BE 2-4 AFTER LOSING TO THE PACKERS, BUT ODDS ARE YOU'LL BE SO BEAT UP AND DEMORALIZED AFTER YOUR HIGH-SCHOOL LEVEL OFFENSIVE LINE ALLOWS YOU TO GET SACKED 14 TIMES THAT YOU'LL JUST THROW IN THE TOWEL.

YOU'LL CONTINUE YELLING, BUT THE YELLING WILL LOSE ALL MEANING AND PURPOSE.

I HOPE RIVERS CONTINUES PLAYING FOR A LONG TIME. HE'S A HELLUVA QUARTERBACK AND I LIKE WATCHING HIM YELL AT EVERYONE. I WISH MORE AGING QUARTERBACKS SAID TO HELL WITH IT ALL AND JUST YELLED AT ANYONE WHO GOT WITHIN A 5-YARD RADIUS OF THEM BETWEEN PLAYS.

RIVERS' YELLING ALSO HAS LIKELY OPENED SEVERAL POST-FOOTBALL CAREER OPPORTUNITIES. DEATH METAL BANDS ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO CAN YELL FOR HOURS ON END WITHOUT LOSING THEIR VOICE. DAY CARE FACILITIES NEED YELLERS TO GET THROUGH TO THE SCREAMING CHILDREN. THERE ARE ALSO SEVERAL SIDEWALK CORNERS IN AMERICA THAT ARE JUST ASKING FOR A SIDEWALK PREACHER TO SET UP SHOP AND YELL AT PEOPLE AS THEY WALK BY.

ACTUALLY, SIDEWALK PREACHER WOULD BE THE PERFECT POST-FOOTBALL JOB FOR RIVERS. BUT INSTEAD OF YELLING ABOUT JESUS AND HELL AND DAMNATION, RIVERS WOULD YELL AT RANDOM PEOPLE ABOUT BLITZ PICK-UPS AND MISTAKEN PASSING ROUTES.

WOULDN'T IT BE FUN TO BE WALKING TO WORK AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN PHILIP RIVERS JUST STARTS BERATING YOU FOR FAILING TO MAKE THE PROPER READ ON A BLITZ PICK UP? 

OK, ALL THIS YELLING HAS CAUSED THIS PREVIEW TO GO WAY OFF THE RAILS. LET'S CALM THINGS DOWN AND LOOK AT FIVE REASONS WHY THE PACKERS WILL BEAT THE CHARGERS LATER THIS AFTERNOON.

Offensive line
Even casual football fans know that the Chargers offensive line is all banged up and absolutely atrocious. If the Packers bombard Rivers early with unstoppable pressure up the middle, this game will be over in a hurry.

Secondary
Even without Morgan Burnett, the Packers secondary has been one of the toughest against the pass in the NFL. Rivers will try to outsmart Dom Capers and crew pre-snap, but his arm strength isn't what it used to be and he doesn't have much for deep threats. If the Packers secondary can sit on the short routes and not let Rivers out-wit them, they should be able to contain San Diego through the air.

Something to prove
Every week, Aaron Rodgers is basically asked over and over again what makes him and the Packers offense so great. After ho-hum performances the last two weeks, some are now questioning just how explosive the Packers' offense is. Hold on tight, folks. When Rodgers and company feel that people are questioning them, they usually go off for a big game.

Lambeau advantage
You can't write a "5 reasons why the Packers will win" post without mentioning the obvious: The Packers, with Rodgers and his use of the cadence pre-snap, are really, really hard to beat at home. Yes, that's stating the obvious at this point, but it needs to be said.

Speed
When's the last time the Packers defense has played this fast? Even the behemoths up front seem quicker and more explosive early in this season. That speed is going to be too much for the Chargers to handle, in my not so humble opinion.


RIVERS IS GOING TO HAVE A LOT TO YELL ABOUT IF HE'S ABLE TO LEAD THE CHARGERS TO AN UPSET. IF HE PULLS IT OFF, HERE'S HOW IT MIGHT GO DOWN:

Quarterback play
Rivers is not as good as Rodgers, but depending on what you think of Russell Wilson, Rivers is probably the best quarterback the Packers have faced this season. He's not going to throw check-downs over and over again like Alex Smith or drop an easy pick-six into Quinten Rollins' hands like Nick Foles. If the Packers are thinking too much about their bye-week vacation plans, Rivers could go off and get a W.

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Comments (20)

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Chad Toporski's picture

October 18, 2015 at 06:26 am

Your humor never ceases to entertain, Adam.

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MarkinMadison's picture

October 18, 2015 at 06:54 am

Yeah, you can tell me in 12 hours that the Chargers won and I'm still not sure I would believe it. This is a team that got pounded on by the Vikings, and squeaked by the Lions, THE LIONS by 5 and the Browns, THE BROWNS by 3. Any given Sunday blah, blah, blah. Whatever.

The Packers could sit #12 today and win this game THAT IS WHAT I THINK of the Chargers Offense. Melvin Gordon can't even score behind this offensive line, only a midget can. Yeah, they found some 30-year-old midget from Chadron State who snuck in for two TDs this season. CHADRON STATE. I've been to Chadron State, and let me tell you, it is no BALL STATE. You know what the best thing is about Danny Woodhead? HE FINALLY GOT THE HECK OUT OF NORTHERN NEBRASKA.

Just kidding, Northern Nebraska is beautiful. It's like wandering around the set of F Troop. Except there are more cows. A lot more cows. And liquor stores. A lot more liquor stores. Where people shop at 9 a.m., even when its not football season. No really, it's like the set of Dances With Wolves, except there are cows instead of bison. And there are liquor stores. A lot more liquor stores.

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Tundraboy's picture

October 18, 2015 at 09:13 am

Great post. Loved the F Troop reference. Never been to Nebraska but I can only imagine now.

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jh9's picture

October 18, 2015 at 12:53 pm

I enjoyed your post. Thanks for the laughs!

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Mario Willis's picture

October 18, 2015 at 07:51 am

I love this weeks "5 Reasons"

*quick edit*
PEOPLE YELLING DON'T SAY ACTUALLY!!

ROFLMAO!

I am looking forward to the DEFENSE showing out today and getting the pundits to talk about how good they have been playing. Chargers have a OFFENSIVE OFFENSIVE line.

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DaTomkat's picture

October 18, 2015 at 08:14 am

Quick short routes are exactly what we can expect from Rivers and his quick release is what concerns me the most. Especially to Gordon. This guy is a beast and ready to put on a show in front of family and friends, so hang on to your hat. This could be a nail biter.

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Charvid's picture

October 18, 2015 at 08:24 am

Here is one more reason the Packers will win today. It is call Foodoo (a name my son cleverly came up with).

It all started in the great SB run of 2010/2011. My kids and I decided to make Philly Cheesesteak Sandwiches for the Wildcard game against Philly. It seemed symbolic. The next week we made Chicken Wings to symbolize the Atlanta Birds and how we were going to pick their bones clean. Then in the NFC championship game, we ordered deep dish pizza's from Lou Malnatti's in Chicago (see taste of Chicago website).
In short, each week we prepare a meal from the opposing teams city. Last week we did St. Louis Toasted Ravioli and St Louis Style Spare Ribs. This week we are having San Diego Style Carne Asada Burritos with Guac.

We have done this every week since the 2010/2011 playoff run. It is fun and sorta educational. We learn about various regional cuisines, eat well, learn how to make new things and get to say things like, "we are going to eat them alive".

For 5 yrs I have sat on this little secret, but this year I sense something special going on. I believe in the power of collective thought. Therefore, I'm hoping every Packer fan on this site will join with me after the bye week for a plate of Rocky Mountain Oysters or maybe a Denver Omelet. Sure, some cities are harder than others--that just makes the challenge more fun.

I won't bore you with some of my other traditions like when the Packers aren't televised and I have to go to the local Packer Bar, how I bring one of the mini helmets from my son's collection and place it in the urinal trough for everyone to piss on (we order new ones whenever one is "used up"). FOODOO is a special and powerful form of vexing the opponent and having a damn good meal at game time.

Adam/Aaron, I would selflessly volunteer to do a weekly feature with a game menu and even recipes to help facilitate the growth of this great tradition.

Scientific data has proven that collective thought can change outcome. After a particularly crime ridden stretch in Washington DC once, a group of monks went there to pray for peace and within a month the crime rate had fallen dramatically. Let's all do our small part on this 2015 Super Bowl run. Fried Walleye and Wild Rice for the Minnesota game? Did you know Coney Island Dogs actually were invented in Detroit? Chicago Style Dogs on Nov. 26th anyone? I'm sure many of you around the country have better ideas than I've come up with. Please share them.

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HarlanHuckleby's picture

October 18, 2015 at 10:08 am

The biggest hurdle for this idea to take off will be convincing people to eat hot dogs on Thanksgiving.

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Charvid's picture

October 18, 2015 at 12:30 pm

It's a night game. :). We eat our Thanksgiving meal midday. A good Chicago Dog at 7:30 sounds perfect!

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jh9's picture

October 18, 2015 at 12:58 pm

The second creative, enjoyable post in this thread. Thanks guys!

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Since'61's picture

October 18, 2015 at 09:13 am

5 reasons why the Packers will beat the Chargers:
1. Aaron Rodgers
2. Aaron Rodgers
3. Aaron Rodgers
4. Aaron Rodgers
5. Aaron Rodgers

Going for 6-0, no reason to stop now.
Go Pack Go! Thanks, Since '61

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Tundraboy's picture

October 18, 2015 at 09:18 am

I'm riding your logic once again but adding the Defense as well which means perhaps total domination on both sides of the ball today. Go Pack Go

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EdsLaces's picture

October 18, 2015 at 10:18 am

Good game on tap. Our running game wins it for us though. 28 14. Eddie gets 100+. Shields steals 1...or 2.

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WKUPackFan's picture

October 18, 2015 at 12:28 pm

Davon House is earning his money today. Shadowing DeAndre Hopkins all over the field

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J0hn Denver's Gavel's picture

October 18, 2015 at 01:42 pm

How's he been playing this year? They haven't broadcast a Jags game in my market yet this year so I haven't had a chance to see him play. Has he stayed healthy?

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WKUPackFan's picture

October 18, 2015 at 02:16 pm

Hey JDG! As far as I know he's been playing well. Hopkins is having a human day so far, they've been battling each other all over the field. Hasn't been injured this year to my knowledge.

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J0hn Denver's Gavel's picture

October 18, 2015 at 07:20 pm

Thanks for the info, awesome!

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WKUPackFan's picture

October 18, 2015 at 02:21 pm

I may be the only person in the neighborhood restaurant watching the Jags/Texans. I've got Hopkins, Allen Robinson, and Julius Thomas on my fantasy team.

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NickPerry's picture

October 18, 2015 at 07:47 pm

Oops, the bottom fell out on House... I have him too : )

REC YDS AVG TD LONG TGTS
DeAndre Hopkins 10 148 14.8 2 29 15

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