This is the cover letter I will be sending to Will Blackmon in hopes of landing a job as his personal PR assistant.
May 15, 2010
Green Bay, Wisconsin
Attention: Will Blackmin
Dear Mr. Blackmen:
My name is Alex Tallitsch and I represent The Packers Lounge public relations agency. I am a creative strategist with expertise around building sustainable, user-powered online communities from the ground up. In addition, I am able to help you strategize focus with your fans using experiential branding, magnetic aggregation and unique thinking. My approach is collaborative with my clients, creating holistic activation from the inside-out; working on real values that support innovation so that you can authentically engage fans to enhance personal conversion and optimize results.
I understand you may already have retained a personal representative to handle your affairs. After noticing your difficulty in obtaining Twitter followers this morning, I was glad to find myself able to assist in rectifying your situation. As a Packer fan however, I was concerned at your lack of esteem towards your personal popularity. I would like to help you achieve those goals of virtual stardom.
As a rising professional in the field, I am able to deliver substantial results at a fraction of the cost you might find at your current consulting agency. My consortium of creative-savvy ideas (along with ideas stolen from others) can go a long way in helping you build your brand. You may think a package like this would be well out of the pay range of the average NFL player. However, after taking the initiative to break down your salary, we were able to establish a baseline price for the 2010 season.
Our price? Only one tackle.
I know it's hard to believe, but it would not be the first time we have stunned our clients with our rates. To understand how we would be able to undercut the competition, I hired a team of skilled mathematicians to break down your financial portfolio in advance. Through your publicly available salary, and using the most technologically advanced equipment, we have come to the following conclusions:
As a punt returner for the Green Bay Packers you have an ACP (average cash per punt) of:
$37,872.34 per punt return
Your ACPY, ACT, ACK and ACKY are as follows:
$3,456.30 per punt return yard
$59,333.34 per punt return TD
$26,969.70 per kick return
$1,277.82 per kick return yard
Understanding you also play a role on defense, we came up with the following calculations:
CPS: $445,000 per start
CPD: $890,000 per pass deflection
CFF: $445,000 per force fumble
CFR: $178,000 per fumble recovery
CFTD: $890,000 per TD
CFT: $42380.95 per tackle
Using this advanced system of analysis we were able to determine that for the cost of one tackle, I would be able to meet and hopefully exceed your expectations for the 2010 season and beyond. Of course, we can only stand on our previous work and have found great success in the past with other Packer related clients such as Ted Thompson, Leroy Butler, Nick Collins, the Bikini Girls and even this guy. I would like you to consider taking this wealth of experience and finding out how we can make it work for Will Blackburn.
I guarantee results. In fact, if you come over right now, I can have at 2-3 people here at a moments notice. We can immediately plan and organize several assorted local little league functions, bake sales and possibly host a cream corn wrestling contest for charity. You can rest assured that my service delivers a highly insincere version of what educated people can really do for an athlete. But, when you do the math, it's a match made in heaven.
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