Apparently Atari Bigby gets the hoes. Not just a handful of them either. The hoe-meter for Bigby is set at 40 hoes. And that is only this month.
At least that’s what someone claiming to be Bigby’s cousin is quoting as fact from the Packer’s safety’s mouth.
“Pro Athletes #%^& about 40 hoes a month” — Atari Bigby
Yes, we are using a third hand unverified party, but that’s why we are not a reputable news source, a fairly accurate Packer site, or even a decent place to go. But seriously, 40 hoes a month? I mean I am not really up to snuff on the whole hoe scene nowadays, but that seems a little extreme.
If my math is correct that is approximately 10 hoes a week. I suppose a one-hoe-a-day policy would be admirable, but you NFL guys are throwing in an extra three hoes a week just for good measure?
I suppose if you look at it a little closer it could be possible, albeit exhausting. To illustrate this point, let’s theoretically break down what the calendar on Atari’s fridge looks like.
“Coffee, get my hoe, light workout.”
This would be your pretty standard day, get your hoe out of the way in the morning before the pain hits from game day. Then you have the time to relax in the afternoon.
“Couple of egg whites, heavy practice, late dinner, before bedtime hoe.”
I mean it’s a brutal Tuesday getting prepared for next week, but you got to move ‘dem hoes.
“Get hoe, breakfast, practice, dinner, late night hoeage.”
Wednesday would be an obvious choice for a double-hoe day. I am assuming that Atari counts the previous night’s hoes as eligible for the total count, so using Tuesday night’s hoe right away on Wednesday morning is brilliant. Thursday practices are often a little bit lighter, and knocking off two hoes in the middle of the week would be a smart move here. You are through hump day and you already got four hoes out of the way.
“Breakfast, light practice, early dinner, after-bar hoe.”
Thursday has always been a classic ladies night in Wisconsin, so it would be relatively easy to find yourself a good hoe. The potential for double hoe action would be quite high here depending on the H.A.C. (Hoe Alcohol Content). I don’t really understand how the rulebook works, and this may not be legal, but I think Atari would be smart if he just sat back here and watched a couple of hoes batting for the other team. Why strain yourself midweek? Now you only got four hoes to go.
“Light walk through, fish fry, Friday night hoe.”
Atari really needs to start saving it for game day at this point. It’s going to be a long Sunday, but it crucial he knock out at least one hoe here. Having to go back-to-back double hoe days on the weekends would be asking a lot.
“Sleep in, afternoon hoe, high carb dinner.”
I really hope that Atari is taking it light on Saturday’s. If he ever needs a day of rest, Saturday would be it. Sit around a bit, check off a hoe, and get ready for game day.
“GAMEDAY, hot tub, double hoes.”
You obviously need the endurance of an NFL player to get through Sundays. This is where only a double hoe night will get you to your goal, and you better be at the top of your game. Atari needs to have a great Sunday every week of the season.
The perfect stat line: 3 Tackles, 1 INT, 1 TD, 2 HD’s (Hoes down).
So, I guess it is possible in theory, and I am glad to see Atari (barring the authenticity of the quote) finally clearing up the age long question of exactly how many hoes a typical NFL player can expect to nail down in an average month’s time.
I am a much better person for knowing this information, and I truly appreciate the amount of time and statistical analysis it must have taken to render this data.
So for the mental Rolodex, the next time you cheer on Atari, the next time your kid wants you to grab a #20 jersey for under the Douglas fir, or your wife is sporting the Bigby tee at the family Packer cookout, there is only one thing you really need to know: Atari Bigby $%&#’s mass hoes.
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